you know the old "be cool, stay in school" slogan? well, i stayed in school for years and years, but i'm afraid i never mastered the cool thing. (the person who wrote that slogan owes me big time)

here's what i mean: i went to see the author of one of my favorite books do a reading. she was wonderful, but i didn't hang around to have her sign my books afterward. there was a long line, she wasn't personalizing, she was in a hurry.... but mostly because i didn't know what i would say to her. just stand in the line with my head down in a bashful sort of way (bashful? me?? i know it sounds weird) and have her write her name and then forget me. and i wanted to be cool enough to be an anecdote later that night. "met this girl at my reading today..."

this feeling has happened to me before. i did stand in line to meet two of my favorite writer jens (weiner and lancaster) and i felt like a moron talking to them because they were so witty and cool during their talk/reading that i desperately wanted to go out for drinks (coffee!) with them, but i was terribly afraid that i wouldn't know what to say.

i didn't used to be like this. when i was 10 and i met my favorite author at pooh's corner (best store EVER), she and i quoted passages of her book to each other and she was wonderful and i never doubted for an instant that she had liked me.

it seems strange that with age i've just gained more insecurities.

maybe i've become jaded by sitting in on too many auditions. actors seem to have (must have, really) an extraordinary amount of confidence in themselves and their abilities - despite what the casting committee may actually be seeing. i've seen people who can't carry a tune insist that they would only be the lead in the musical (and then tell us that we were morons if we couldn't see that they were perfect for it). but i've also seen people that were pretty good and just weren't good enough and i think those are even harder. yes, there is talent there just not enough for what we need. (the curse of the jack/jill of all trades...)

once, i heard a four-year-old confidently tell his father "i'm a good walker" and i found myself jealous that he could be so certain.

at this point, rather than delude myself, i've decided to go with: "yep, i breathe a lot. i do ok."